Two Pink Lines–Surviving Pregnancy after Miscarriage
They stared back at me from the pregnancy test a few weeks ago. To say that I was surprised was an understatement. Deep down, in the deepest part of me I was a strange mixture of elated, terrified, and confused. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom! I have a smart as a whip five-year old and a mischievous and silly three-year old, and they are such a blessing to my life!
I’ve seen those same pink lines six times in my life. Two times brought me beautiful children. Three times brought me empty arms and an aching heart. What will time number six bring? I am praying with everything in me that it will bring me a child at the end of a blissful pregnancy. I don’t even care if it is reasonable to hope that, because hope will cost me NOTHING. Sure, it could turn out like the other three, but WHAT IF IT DIDN’T? Why steal tomorrow’s joy with today’s uncertainty?
Miscarriage is such a sad thing, not only because it has the obvious distress of the loss of a child, but because it has the potential to steal the joy from any future pregnancies. That just strikes me as so wrong! As much as I’ve wanted to be a mom, from the time I was a little girl, I can honestly say that I don’t think I’ve ever NOT worried during pregnancy!
I had two of my three miscarriages before I had my oldest. Then I had his sister, and thought that since I had experienced two successful pregnancies after those first losses, that they must have been just bad luck. To say I was totally blindsided by the third miscarriage would be an understatement. I thought we were “over that.”
So when I saw those two pink lines this sixth time, I decided it was time to work through the fears. To work through the anger, and anguish, and empty gnawing loss that seems to just bubble under the surface. Because the truth of the matter is, I have NO idea of how things will turn out this time. Oh, I desperately want things to work well, but I want to enjoy this time with this little one wholeheartedly, without reservation. I don’t know if it is the only time I will spend with this baby, and I have realized, I am still “mommy” now, and I have someone new to love. I have someone who needs me to love them RIGHT NOW!
I struggle with so many conflicting emotions. Maybe you can relate.
I was pregnant in early 2014 with a little boy, who sadly didn’t make it, and I chose to be induced once we had found out that he had passed away. Once he was delivered I had the blessing of “meeting” him, and he was so beautiful, so tiny, and MY SON. I know that just as much as if he had lived his entire childhood with me. That little boy, was my very much wanted child.
Had the experience concluded with just that I think that I would have been able to process the sadness and be able to grieve productively, but within a very short time after delivering him, I began to hemorrhage and bleed out. The short story is, one emergency surgery and a blood transfusion later, I was face to face with the fragile nature of my very existence. I distinctly remember wondering as I was going into surgery, whether I was about to die. That is pretty heavy stuff right there! A bit more than I was ready to process that day, to be honest.
Praise the Lord that was not the case that day, but I do occasionally still struggle with some of the trauma of that experience. And some of that traumatic memory creeps into the joy of this pregnancy, like a thief conspiring to take the small bit of joy that is struggling to take root.
The good thing is that I have the choice to choose the joy and reject the pain. Rejecting the pain doesn’t need to suppress it, or somehow invalidate the experience that causes it, but there is something to be said for not allowing one bad experience to infect and poison an experience that is, as yet, a blank slate.
Because what if instead of expecting failure, I anticipated fulfillment?
What if instead of expecting sorrow, I experienced joy?
What if instead of hedging my emotions, I allowed myself to feel them and embrace them?
What if instead of preparing for pain, I could live in the moment,
That moment of promise, excited panic, and an entire imagined childhood that is all contained in the view of